I think that word perfectly describes how I feel this week. For the past few weeks I have felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. This week I feel like I have lost the battle. I am sinking.
I will admit to having a good cry tonight. I think the emotions are coming to the surface due to lack of sleep. Aiden screamed (literally) much of the night last night. started as soon as I had settled into bed at 9 to watch Grey's. Needless to say, I didn't have any down time and I have no idea what time we both fell asleep. He even whimpered in his sleep (broke my heart), which meant I held him much of the night and I think we got about 5 hours of sleep last night. He woke up screaming at 6 this morning as I was trying to get ready. So no time for breakfast or 15 minutes of news.
I so needed time last night (or a little time this morning). And of course I want to be there for Aiden. I feel guilty for admitting I was (am) a wreck because I didn't get to unwind from a hard day at school. I would do anything for Aiden. I would give up all of my free time (okay, most?). However, work has been physically and emotionally exhausting this week. I am truly praying for a good night's sleep tonight. Not sure how many people read on Friday nights, but I could use some good sandman thoughts :). Heck, if you are reading Saturday or Sunday, I could probably use the good thoughts then too- it's going to take me a while to catch up on my sleep.
I had a serious crisis with one of my students yesterday. I care so much for them- when they hurt, I hurt. No teenager deserves to be in so much pain as some of my students are. No teenager (hell, no adult) deserves to experience what so many of my kids experience and live every single day. I've been working with students who have emotional disabilities for 10 years. I can't imagine doing anything different for the time being. I put my administrator license and director of special ed license on hold and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have no desire to be in classes right now. I would miss so much time with Aiden and it's not worth it right now. Crap, if I had to take classes right now, I wouldn't be sinking...I would have drowned about a month ago! The demands (which seem to increase by the month) and paperwork that I have now are more than enough. Some weeks it is definitely a thankless job. And, no, I'm not expecting thanks from the students. That's all I say about that. I promise I love my job, but some days it's hard. Some days it feels like I am sinking.
And when I am going on little sleep and I have had an emotionally exhausting week, I notice I lose my patience at home. I get frustrated over the little things. And that makes me feel like a horrible mother. It's SO NOT FAIR to Aiden.
Speaking of horrible, I haven't been feeling the greatest either. On Wednesday I made the resolution to really take control of my diet. I have done an okay job, but I am also an emotional eater. I have done an okay job, but I could do better. I let the stress of the week take control today. I know, I know... tomorrow is a new day. I just hate that my weight has always been such a battle for me. I hate how some days it controls me, controls my self-esteem and determines what kind of day I will have. I know I posted a while ago that my relationship with my weight gotten better- it has, but again, some weeks are harder than others.
Along with my weight, I have some unanswered medical questions. It's so frustrating. I need to get a second opinion, but I didn't even have time to call my doctor's office this week. And it's probably just as well. The nurse completely pissed me off when she called twice- with the exact same results. She didn't find out the answers to my questions after the first call. I know the doctor is to blame- I seriously if he remembers anything from my visit 2 weeks ago. Time to move on but it's been a huge stressor for me this week. Sinking.
Sorry for the downer post...I hate to go 5 days without posting and then post a woe is me post. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest and this is why I haven't posted this week. I need to move on (and up) from here. The tears have dried and I do feel a bit better! Aiden is in bed- he's awake, but hopefully he will fall asleep soon. Praying next week will be better. I got some great pictures of Aiden in the leaves today. Hopefully I will get them off of my camera this weekend.
